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YOUR BRAIN HATES YOU
frnk
tankit
I AM IN A CONSTANT STATE OF SELF-HATE. STRANGELY I'VE NEVER SELF-HARMED OR CONSIDERED IT. I GET VERY PASSIONATELY AGAINST ANYONE HURTING THEMSELVES OR LESSENING THEIR SELF-WORTH.... BUT MYSELF? I APOLOGIZE FOR MY EXISTENCE CONSTANTLY. I FEEL SO MONSTROUS FOR EVEN TAKING UP SPACE MORE DESERVING FOR OTHERS. WHEN I JUDGE SOMEONE I LATER BEAT MYSELF UP AND CLING TO THIS SIN LIKE ITS A NOOSE TO THE NECK. I REVIEW ALL THE SHIT I'VE DONE AND CONVINCE MYSELF EVEN MORE OF HOW WORTHLESS I AM, HOW PATHETIC AND STUPID AND SELFISH I AM. EVERY TIME I FAIL. EVERY TIME I FUCK UP. EVERY TIME OR EVEN BEFORE IT, I BRACE FOR IT. LIKE A SELF-FULFILLED PROPHECY, I ADD ANOTHER TO THE LIST OF HOW SHITTY I AM.

I AM IN A CONSTANT STATE OF PANIC. I WORRY ENDLESSLY ABOUT HOW BOTHERSOME I AM AND HOW MUCH I HURT THOSE AROUND ME. I WORRY AND ANALYZE HOW I'VE BEEN AND CONVINCE MYSELF THAT I HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE MOST OF THE DAY AND DON'T APPRECIATE THE KINDNESS OF THOSE AROUND ME. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY SO MANY GIVE ME HUGS AND SMILES AND TRY TO INCLUDE ME IN THEIR LIVES. THEY ARE DECEIVED. I DON'T KNOW HOW I DECEIVE THEM INTO THINKING I DESERVE ANYTHING. EVERY TIME I FUCK UP, IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONE PEEKED BEHIND A VEIL OF CONFIDENCE AND SAW HOW TINY I TRULY AM.

BUT I STILL TRY. EVERY DAY I TRY. I WISH I COULD FEEL HOW I MAKE PEOPLE FEEL. MAYBE THEN I COULD TRUST WHAT I SEE AND TRUST WHAT I HEAR.

WHY ARE OUR BRAINS RIGGED TO DOOM US?
HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE WITH THEMSELVES? AM I A MINORITY AMONG HAPPY PEOPLE THAT TRULY BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES AND WHAT THEY SAY AND DO AND FEEL THEY DESERVE ALL THEY HAVE?

I JUST WANT TO LIVE IN PEACE AMONG MY PEERS. I WANT TO LIVE KINDLY AND SAFELY. I WANT TO BE OKAY WITH MYSELF.

BRAIN HURTING.
I HOPE AND HOPE THAT THE PERSON I LOVE REALLY TRUSTS IT. I HOPE THAT THIS WILL CONTINUE. I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU DEAR. KEEP YOU SAFE. GIVE YOU ALL YOU DESERVE. KEEP A SMILE ON YOUR FACE.

I DON'T KNOW IF I TREAT YOU RIGHT.

BRAIN TELLING ME TO SHUT UP

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