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happy thoughts
I don't understand how this works
My self esteem isn't very high but I'm getting a strange suspicion that this isn't fair

you started this
you told me you liked me
and luckily
i liked you too

(although, yes, i feel i was lucky that you told me)

a whole year

i'm confident i flourished you with compliments and gifts and was never late to celebrate anything important to you
i listened to the music/bands you love, i read your stories and commented on them
i set aside time for you, i think about you all the time, i make sure you're happy and if you're sad i do my best to make you feel better, i treat your family with love and respect, i memorized your family's names, i even marked my calender with your neices and nephew's birthdays... fuck, i gave you the guitar pick that guy got during frnk's gig because i knew you wanted it!! and now frnk gave you one of his very own, his own used one... and... hes like my favorite ever. if that didn't tell you how much you mean to me... i recorded songs during gigs that i knew meant a lot to you. i made sure you got things that you wouldn't be able to because of international shit... i flew across country to meet you, spent half my savings in spite of having gone through bankruptcy with my mom, i just... not that money matters but it still... i mean, it was spent for you. and i never ever ask you to pay back for anything because i want to spend for you. i want to give you everything.

and while you occasionally give me love and affection...
rarely do you start the conversation
you put everything you wanna do before me
you never read any of my stories--unless i ask
i don't know how much of my family you remember--although that's fine

i spent a month making you a valentine and made sure it got to you--early!!!
and ... i got nothing back
no explanation, just... you'd hinted at making me one but ...nothing
i wrote you a happy anniversary note, and i know you thanked me for it and it was bad timing, but... nothing?

i don't' know
i recognize the hints and the effort and the little things but...
over all, i still feel so unimportant. am i just to gratify your obsessions? am i just a boost of self esteem when you're feeling down? do you not get how much you mean to me?

i know that affection isn't the first thing on your mind
i respect that
but there's other things
i mean, romantic love still calls for... something more?
i'm not asking you to smother me with messages and lust for me and set aside your entire life and goals for me. in fact i encourage you to do what you love.

...but... am i not a part of that?
am i not included in the time you want to spend catering to what you love?

i don't know... maybe... maybe it's just comfortable.
if i could just feel it.
believe it. feel it. trust it. own it.
do you really love me? when you think of me, what comes to mind?
i know you aren't sure and you're trying to sort that out.

maybe there really isn't a proper way of explaining.
but this suspicion, this sense... that i'm easily shrugged off for whatever else is just... painful.
if i disappeared, how long would it take for you to notice and truly miss me? miss what we have?

...maybe i'm just not interesting.

i don't know. i doubt and i worry and i try to swallow down these negative ideas because i know it's unfair and i know that what i'm asking isn't ready for an answer...

i just want to feel loved. i want to feel special. to you.

actions. i do my best to show you, with what i do, how much you matter. just as a person, even. you are my fucking heart. of course i'll treat it like gold, sacred, precious...

why do i not feel that too? maybe i'm broken. maybe i'm truly damaged from going through my parents' divorce, watching my sisters' nightmare relationships, being neglected and abandoned on various accounts... maybe it's not you. maybe you're doing fine and all you can and i just don't feel it because i'm damaged with love.

and maybe it's not fair to have a completely different individual act/reciprocate 'my' way. you're your own person and you have the right to treat your love how you feel best.

(so long as it's not harmful, obviously)

still. i feel a strong lack of effort.
and i don't feel the love you say is there. and it hurts to admit that. it hurts because i know that it would truly devastate you to find that out.

i'm so sorry. so... so incredibly sorry that i don't feel it.
i am doing all i can to feel it and trust it and appreciate it. you are so wonderful and sweet and caring and honest and devoted...

am i just comparing too much?
am i freaking myself out?
must calm down... be grateful for what we have. not focus on what's 'lacking'. believe in our bond. have faith in what we've started.

i want this to work.
i love you. i'm sorry. i just need an outlet to get the dark thoughts out. because i want to embrace all that you are purely.


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