anywhere but here
happy thoughts
i said i trust us and imean it

i don't have to be your number one
not to be a guilt tripper
but i've never been anyone's number one
so i don't mind
i can give you my all
because in spite of this you deserve that much

just don't know if i'm good enough

i will try
i wanna try
i wanna be the best i can be for you
i wish i could feel it when you say you love me too
do you really feel the same?
does your heart suck into your body?
do you think about me all day?
do you pray and pray that some day we'll be closer?
do you go through all our conversations?
does your heart just float when you get a greeting?
do you wait for a message all day?

i should do stuff
stay occupied
i need to keep living and better myself and do what's good
so i can be worthy
i wonder if i'll ever feel right for you
but it won't stop me from wanting to be with you
to try
to fight for it
i love you

stiff as bones
happy thoughts
lately i find myself stiff. tense. when i move i feel my body cracking. what am i bracing for?

where do i belong?
happy thoughts
can't sleep. woke up feeling broken again.
why do i have to break to be loved? why do i have these thoughts?
i am paralyzed.
i want to be creative, i know its the best way
but my brain is buzzed with self-hate and anxiety
i pretend to them all that i'm fine
they believe it
amazing how good i am at this and yet
i am so bad at showing myself
i don't know what to do to prove things, to reassure
i don't know what i did
did i do anything right?
how long do i sit here hating myself
i know that won't make me loved any more or less
i have to move on
i have to pretend i don't have these feelings or memories
i have to pretend forever
just to keep them with me
it hurts to breathe
it hurts to want
i can't sleep but i want to shut off the thoughts and doubts and worries
will i ever get an answer?
i don't know if i deserve one, will it be when i die?
i feel dead, i feel like dying
please come back and hold me
tell me you feel the same
and it's okay
that i make you happier than i make you sad
i didn't know my existence would ruin your day

songs of loneliness and fear
happy thoughts
we feel the loneliest when we're sick
well i've been sick my whole life
why do we have to have someone to feel loved
i'm too scared to show myself
i don't like what i see
how come everyone else makes it look so easy
i'm always left behind
i'm never good enough
i don't try enough
but that's because i'm scared
will there ever be a time
i can trust that you've got my back
why am i always so alone
my heart is sick
my head is ill
i don't want to die like this
i hate how weak i am
all the time
if you saw me for real
would you stay?

what does it take do i have to be like this to
turn hearts
i could easily disappear
i thought i was okay with this
am i the only one sad
that i can't expect anything from anyone
i just want someone to be there
i want someone to fix me
i don't want to feel sick anymore

keep smiling i'm sorry
act okay so you can leave
if you hate me so much
why do you call
i wish i was strong enough
to disappear
i don't mean anything
i can pretend i'm fine
i can smile all day
but when i go for good
just know that you let me down
i'm more sorry to admit this
i had high hopes
 and too many dreams
i thought you felt the same
goes to show
how truly alone
we all are
i'll die with this broken heart

i know what you want me to say
i'm fine
it's okay
so you can walk away
just go
i wish i'd never known real company
i don't want to miss this
it's not okay
and i'll never be okay
i'm not convenient anymore
the sickness won't let me
be a good girl
i can't find my pretend smile
the mask was buried last night
in a box of mist and fire
i hate what you do to me
think what you want
this will never go away
even if
you forget me

on the brink
happy thoughts
i'm so scared and i'm too scared to tell anyone i'm at the brink of losing it and i feel like no one cares no one wants to hear it and i'm really really scared even the smallest, simplest things terrify me now much more than ever and i don't understand it i have to talk myself into simply grocery shopping i'm scared to talk to anyone i don't even want to talk to friends i feel so alone and i feel like there is really no one here for me and i don't want to be here and i want to go home but i have no home i have nothing and i wish someone would just take care of me but there isn't anyone and i'm just scared all the time and i'm sad so very sad like i keep wondering what it matters does it really matter because i know i know that if i died right now no one would stop living they'd all just go on and that's supposed to be a good thing but i am so alone and sad and insignificant and why did this have to happen i was okay i was dealing i was doing okay i was being brave and i was finding things to enjoy and i was looking forward to so much and all of a sudden i felt so insignificant and now i can't stand alone i can't stand this and i don't want to tell anyone i don't want anyone to know because they'll start telling me what's wrong and what i have to do and even tiny little things is too much to handle i can't bear to have anyone even tell me to even take a breath, and that scares me and i want someone to just hug me and tell me that i'm okay but i know that won't happen and why did they all have to leave me behind why did they all have to move on and get comfortable without me why am i the only one left here scared and alone why am i the only one still adjusting still not ready its been a year and i'm so scared and i want to cry and scream every day i feel so cheated and angry and sad and alone and i want to die so much but i don't because there is still so much that i love and so much i enjoy and i do have things i want to do and i dont' want to give up but i can't handle this in-between i can't i don't want to deal with this i don't want to wait until i am okay. do i have to be on my deathbed do i have to get hospitalized do i have to lose my mind in order for someone to stop and turn around and see that i'm really, really, really scared and that this isn't what i wanted it was never what i wanted and just because they're okay and just because they were fine when it happened to them doesn't mean the same for me because no i'm not okay i am not i am not at all okay and i'm tired and scared of pretending that i'm fine and i'm scared and if i crack i know that i wont' be able to fake it anymore and that terrifies me

yeah that feeling
happy thoughts
yeah, I don't think this feeling is gonna go. and i'm so happy about this. i'm so happy that this is what's meaningful to me, this is what gives me reasons to stay. i'm so happy i've lived this long and dealt with all of this, to get to this point. to know of this.

i wouldn't change a thing if it meant coming to this.

happy thoughts
we all want someone in the world that can't live without us

i want to be a killer

oh death
happy thoughts
kidding, not kidding.

rather, oh stress.
what the fuck. tell someone i get an infection due to stress. they give me this giant list of shit to do to make my life better. i say that giant list of shit makes me more stressed out. they insist on talking to me. i say no. they call. i don't pick up. leave me a sad message about how worried they are and that i've got to be in massive amounts of paint and stress to get that type of infection. i text them a list of reasons and ask to be left alone. they say okay, but you get the feeling its not okay. so of course, because you're you, you feel guilty and frustrated and end up emailing them later saying sorry for the moodiness and you were pmsing and being stupid and that they're really a good person for trying to be there for you and that if they need someone you'd listen to them too. they give you a one word response. sure. thanks. okay. great. so i wonder, are you mad or just trying to not write too much and stress me out? or are you trying to make me feel that i was insensitive and ungrateful with their sincere concern, and that i deserve to get some stupid cryptic asshole message back. thanks. okay, sure, that really fucking helps relieve this supposed massive stress and pain that i have. really great. this will make me recover sooo much faster. i guess. maybe email isn't the best approach. but what the fuck. ruin me. go ahead. just... fucking... people and their self centered fuckign attitudes and their need and desire to make everything about them, even indirectly. just, if you're going to get all sulky or cryptic or indifferent, then don't even fucking try. just don't. seriously, if in the end, just because i didn't fucking respond how you wanted with your savior attitude, don't act like that and make me feel worse. don't act all concerned and just since i didn't magically hop on board with your dumbass borderline insensitive advice, don't switch to indifference and make it all my problem and make it like i'm the fucking drama queen.

i'm trying to get better. how about you think of how that'd make me feel... oh, or maybe you did. then you know what, you are an addition to the shit that makes me ill.

oh wait, you're indifferent.

into the night we go...
happy thoughts
excited with all the dark plans i've got.

why would you?
happy thoughts
i've never felt so alone, but i guess it makes sense because i am.
there is no one here for me
i guess that's not something to expect
maybe i misunderstood that
well here i am
feeling alone

when you dismiss me i hope its worth it
when you put me down i hope you feel better

am i such a pain to be around?
am i missing something?

i want to disappear from you people

there's got to be a way out
there's something out there for me and me alone
because i'm not sharing this time

and no one wants to be with me

so my words have no merit
and my feelings are full of shit
and i guess that i'm a flake and a liar

why would you say such things
how can you think that wouldn't hurt
but maybe that doesn't matter
maybe it hurts because its true
or maybe it hurts because i'm not mature like you

i haven't grasped all of adulthood
and it makes me dismissed
it makes me a pain

well i guess i'll stick around
but be alone
i'll try
that's all i can do
i can try my best
and at least i'll know that if i ever succeed
it'll be purely for me

i hope you get where you want in life
i don't know if i'll be around to see it
but no hard feelings right

i'm alone


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